This post is PG13 for dramatic content and the use of the word SUCKS.

I am going through something... something big and something weird. I wouldn't usually share this kind of something. It is too personal. It makes me too vulnerable.

I have been following Melanie Notkin's writings lately. I am not even sure how I came upon her in the first place, but her writings speak to me, or rather they speak for me. 

She writes things like this:   

"For women like me, we not only grieve the loss of motherhood, but we also grieve the loss of the dream, the dream of finding love and marriage resulting in that beautiful baby carriage. And not only do we grieve childlessness alone, with no partner to console us or share the grief, but society as a whole won't let us grieve, as if we've brought it on ourselves by being unwilling to settle in love."

Because I am the way I am, I am going to state:   I am happy. I am genuine. When you see me smile it is "for reals".  I am optimistic. If you know me, you know I am sincere.

Now for the vulnerable part.  I think that Melanie Notkin's words hit me so hard because for the first time I am seriously grieving. I am not sure if it is my age... I do remember 27 being miserable... maybe 37 is crappy too, but my optimism is dwindling in this area.  I really think age is a factor and the realistic facts over run my optimism. The caliber of man out there SUCKS and I am not getting any younger... sorry folks.

It is like she is talking from my head. I think I really respond to her because she is successful and witty and has "it" together, but she takes a very conservative and traditional perspective on family. I love that she is a NYer and still wants to be a married mom.  She describes my grief so well.

"While I have not suffered from biological infertility (as far as I know), I imagined my grief was at least as deep as couples trying to conceive as I didn't have a love who shared the grief. Heck, I often didn't even have a date to get closer to trying! Every month that passed, I grieved a loss. But I grieved alone. I have no husband (or male partner) to grieve with me." 

I am not writing this to get sympathy from you, my friends and family. Sympathy sometimes just feels like patronizing. I mean, you really can't know exactly how I feel. I know you love me. I know! I know I have everything. I know I shouldn't complain, and I even feel guilty doing it. But I need to write this out. I think it will be therapeutic .  What you can do for me is this......

 In the future PLEASE DON'T SAY  the following to a "Single Girl":

1.  "It will happen".     Because it may not.

2. "You will be a great mom".... blah blah blah

3. "You need to find a divorced guy with kids...".... I know... I would do great with another woman's kids.I am also realistic enough to know this is my reality... but I still want what you have, your own husband (whom you thought was hot and dreamy when you  fell in love with him) and your own kids.

4. "You are like Sherri Dew"... really... do you really want to compare me to a very single 50 something woman?  I know she is great... but really?

6. "You are just too good... there aren't any guys good enough for you out there"...though probably true, heh heh,  that isn't reassuring.

5. "If it doesn't happen in this life... you will be a mom/wife in the next".  YIKES! I am not sure we all understand what that fully entails and this life is pretty freakin long. I don't have my eternal perspective tuned in enough to settle into this one.

It is interesting, I feel so compelled to divert your sympathy and try to save my reputation by saying, I feel sad and sorry for my friends and loved ones who struggle with biological infertility. I really do, and I sincerely rejoice with them when they do receive a little spirit into their homes! I really do.(You having children doesn't make me feel worse... I can still happy for you and feel bitter and defeated for me at the same time). And I really am grateful for the time I have had to be single. I can honestly see the growth and development of my Character that was only possible by being single. I really do. 

I can also say, I want to hear your love story. I want to know about your wedding! I want to help! I want to hear about your babies! I want to buy them presents... and I want to see their photos.  I want to hear about the funny things they say.

But, I am still grumpy and worried that I am on the edge of loosing out on my chance to have my own biological family. It sucks and I am in mourning and I am doing it alone.

crap... I told you reading this won't make you feel good.